Week 33 - Scared & Lost

After every Monday, I always feel extremely sad after I come back home and I just cry. I assume it's all attributed to me being tired and stressed. The problem is that I think suicidal thoughts and that's never good. I never have attempted suicide because I'm more of a person who wants to ensure that it would succeed if I attempted it. However, the main thing that holds me back is the aftermath of a suicide success - I would leave behind an extremely heartbroken family and friends and I just can't bear that because I know that some of my other family members would also commit suicide too if I did. So for now, I will try to restrict any negative thoughts but it is really hard. I think I have suicidal thoughts because I feel worthless, and I don't see myself having a future.

Yes I know, this topic is somewhat taboo and I do agree that people who are thinking of committing suicide should at least speak to someone else and really think of the consequences first. I may not be the best person to give advance since I never attempted it myself but it will definitely hurt your loved ones. To be honest, I probably would need to put to the brink of hopelessness and worthlessness to really commit suicide and I can really understand why some people do it. There are many people way worse off than me, so they have more of a reason. No one should ever condone suicide, but if one has committed it, we should feel sad rather than be angry, or mocking. People don't like talking about suicide because people will mock them or people just brush the problem off, rather than actually helping the mental needs.

I feel pathetic to feel like this, because I really feel lost, I feel tired, feel no worth, and so on. For now, I will try and stay alive and prevent as many negative thoughts as possible. Anime and manga has helped me to keep on living since it distracts me of these thoughts. I think my suicidal thoughts are just spurs of the moments, and are just foolish thoughts. I really hope I can continue to persevere.