Week 34 - The Will to Live

Since last year, I was already asking myself whether I was capable, and I was good enough to do my job well. And the longer I kept thinking about this, I became more and more scared of my situation. As of now, I have really low self-esteem, low self-drive, and all these factors are important to do well in life. The thing is that I was never like this. In my high-school years and first year of uni, I was never like this - at least I didn't feel like a soulless body and I was somewhat motivated in my studies. Now, I am in a deep pit that I am struggling to get out of, but I believe I can slowly get out.

It's really tough for me to stay happy because I am always tired, and I always feel anxious, but mainly the former has impacted me the most. I don't know the main reason but I narrowed it to either my thyroid (which I will go back to check again with another doctor), having a vitamin deficiency (which is very unlikely) or just being stressed/anxious (which is very likely). I feel disappointed in myself to become like this and it makes me feel very sad when I see how far I have fallen. That’s why I had these suicidal thoughts regularly recently (as you can see if you read my last week’s update) and there are two reasons that compels me to live – my family (I don’t want to break their hearts) and manga/anime. 

Manga/anime is more of a tool to distract me from being depressed and allow me to have a laugh whenever I feel like I’m on the verge of having these negative suicidal thoughts. I’m sure this probably applies to many other people and I am glad anime/manga is in my life – I even prefer anime/manga compared to games, since I feel so tired after playing games (perhaps I am not enjoying playing games anymore). I am trying not to have these suicidal thoughts, but it's hard and I know it's gonna be a slow process so hopefully I can break the cycle.